to stay or to leave

Decision was probably made official in last Nov and “battle of mind” started even earlier. 
But I have been controlling for the longest time and finally I can make known and blog it down, this unforgettable journey.

Beside my colleagues, I didn't share with anyone else.. not my parents (till the very last minute), not my leaders who I feel safe to share with or not even to Em who I feel comfortable in sharing.
Probably I just wasn't ready for the "Why?", the "How?", the "When?" 
  
Seriously the “cannot tell anyone”, the “not ready to share” were bad. Just felt terrible going through alone, especially on days where I left school in teary eyes or where thoughts flooded my mind.
Still I thank God for being with me, for watching over me! 

The whole journey had been verrrrrrry emotionally and mentally draining.
I first started sharing in parable in “Tough Weeks” entry.

Out of the kindergartens I been to, being in xSx has been the best - the Principal, the colleagues, the children, the environment and the culture. 
No doubt it is a busy, very busy kindergarten but it had been one where I’m being exposed to many things and even had experiences of peer sharing with teachers and principals from other kindergartens.
It had been a place where my mind challenged, faith tested and commitment stretched.

But there was a season in my life last year where I felt tired, very tired.
Not just physical I guess. Due to school? Due to church commitment?

Just school alone, I felt the heaviness of work.
The expectations? The work load? The demands?
The visitation? The spiritual “requirement”? 

Not wanting to drag down the team which is always going forward strong, and apparently will be stronger for the next two years and in preparation due to Spark - I started to think whether should I stay on. Should I commit another year? Will I be able to run without complaining?

It was a major mental battle as is not easy leaving.
But after much consideration, I decided to leave or at least treat it as a break. I made know my decision and shared with Principal Tan my fears and my worries.
She didn’t accept and she was very nice, she gave me many offers like taking just PN form class so work load and visitation will be lesser.

To cut the looooooooooong story short, MANY things happened along the way. Good encounters, doubts, bad incidents, break down, misunderstandings, doubt cleared, misunderstanding cleared, stronger bond established etc.

In conclusion, my decision was final - to leave xSx.
It had never been an easy decision and even till now, I will still think to myself whether did I make the right decision.

And that was also when the mental and emotional battles started.
There were days I cried in the Principal office, day I broke down in front of my mentor and Laoshi (it was their first time seeing me that way) and not forgetting days walking out of the school with teary eyes.

Whether it was the process or the decision made, it was never easy.

To be continued... 
ps: dont worry for me, the fact that I'm blogging means I'm ok or at least getting better =)